The Vampire Blogs

On the subject of protagonists sometimes abandoned ideas have a tendency to crop up again and here’s one of mine originally written as a satire on the vampire genre. A four-foot-eleven redheaded protagonist with questionable morality… Where have I seen that before?

Entry One
Apparently familiarity breeds contempt. Probably why if Eph quotes one more line of fucking philosophical Shakespeare at me I’m going to behead him and bury his ashes in Twilight novelty mug.

Locale:                  Office

Mood:                  Grumpy.

Entry Two
I didn’t bury him in the end. Either he was very persuasive or the prospect of fostering another long term relationship was too daunting. So I brought a new mug for my collection with one of those yellow smiley faces that says “smile you could be dead”.

Locale:                  Living Room

Mood:                  Soothed

Entry Three
Eph is going to black tie event and wants me to go with him, to show solidarity apparently. It’s the by line for showing he is in control, which is a euphemism for showing I’m not screwing Ben. But I already promised to go to Ben’s lecture on ‘Vampires in Context’. Sounds dull, but watching him is more entertaining than watching a horror film. What more can be expected of a man that named himself after an order of monks?

Locale:                  Office

Mood:                  Confused

Entry Four
Went to the lecture which was surprisingly interesting. I suspect I missed out on something not going to school. They had some kind of forum afterwards; some woman who looked twice my age said I knew fuck all about Vampires. She had a stack of Vampire Romances, although I call them Vamp Porn.

Meanwhile Eph seems to be jealous but is pretending he isn’t. He prefers angry and wants to know if he has to book time with his own wife. I said there’s a six month waiting list.

Locale:                  Living Room

Mood:                  Tetchy

Entry Five
Getting suspicious of Eph’s secretary, potential Vamp groupie. I think there’s a technical name but I’m probably more out of touch then your great-grandmother even if she’s dead. Then again we would have that in common.

I shall keep a close eye on said secretary. I’ve had lots of practice being underhand. If I had a middle name it would be Tricky Dick. Hyphen?

Locale:                  Office

Mood:                  Paranoid

Entry Six
Eph booked time with me on our anniversary in six months. Guess he forgave me. And is astonishingly oblivious to his secretary’s ogling. But if he were not a Vamp he couldn’t pull in a brothel.

Locale:                  Coven HQ

Mood:                  Watchful

Entry Seven
I needed some paperwork from Eph’s files. When I looked in the filing cabinets I almost fainted. They don’t make secretaries like they used to what happened to RSA’s? Figures, it was bound to happen if you hire someone who failed their GCSE’s so took an admin course. Added it to my expanding list of reasons to sack her.

Formal education clearly overrated.

Locale:                  Eph’s Office

Mood:                  Smug

Entry Eight
Ben and I are on our way to NZ. A Vamp in a sunny country. Frankly I’m more worried about the flying metal coffin. The plane that is, I’ve not been in a coffin for 150 years. I much prefer a bed, or the floor, or hot coals.

Locale:                  Airport

Mood:                  Anxious

Entry Nine
I’m sitting by the pool feeling very pleased with the invention of the internet. I emailed my latest Pulitzer contender to the esteemed editor. And I’m keeping an eye on Coven HQ remotely with the security cameras. I suspect it’s stalkerish.

What did we do before computers?

Locale:                  Pool

Mood:                  Chilled

Entry Ten
Evidence that she doesn’t read Believe Magazine Online. I caught her on camera trying to put the moves on Eph. He turned her down flat. Clearly age isn’t everything; then again I am perpetually thirtyish. But she looked surprised to find an email telling her how fired she was. I supposed she didn’t believe me when I said I see all.


Locale:                  Long Road in NZ

Mood:                  Victorious

Entry Eleven
Ben and I went out for drinks after a day of publicity for his bloody book. I was the designated driver; a perk is that I can’t get drunk, so never have been. Ben can though. First tipsy, then hit on me, then threw up on my boots.

Thank God I didn’t go for the suede.

Locale:                  Ben’s Hotel Room

Mood:                  Vexed

Entry Twelve
Ben is looking a bit less like he’s had a close encounter with a runaway lorry. I’m sure they can airbrush the rest. Maybe being short and scruffy is part of his appeal? But I spent the day doing the bodyguard thing, looking intimidating, not easy when you’re four-eleven. But even a tiny red head is intimidating if she hangs you from a balcony by your ankles, which wasn’t allowed.

On the upside I get the exclusives.

Locale:                  Coffee shop

Mood:                  Perky

Entry Thirteen
If another person asks me if I’m “with” Benedict Daniels “the” Vampire expert I might go on a murderous rampage. “With” has become confusing. Are they asking me if I’m part of the entourage, a friend, or sleeping with him? Actually, that’s a bit of a contradiction.

(See the August 2010 and January 2011 editions of Believe Magazine for in depth interviews. Apparently back copies can be ordered. Or just try eBay.)

Locale:                  Hotel Bar

Mood:                  Definitely Sober

Entry Fourteen
NZ was great, beautiful day or night. Even found some good blood bars. The kind that don’t come with a side order of STI or addict. Still glad to be going home even if winter is cold. Not that I really notice, being the ambient temperature and all.

Locale:                  Airport

Mood:                  Twitchy

Entry Fifteen
Eph is being sullen, jealous of Ben again. But who turns down a free holiday? It’s not like I wouldn’t go on holiday with Eph, if he ever went on holiday. And he can dress himself and not throw up on my shoes.

Brightside is that Eph has to get a new secretary.

Locale:                  Eph’s Waiting Room

Mood:                  Surprisingly Cheerful


For more short fiction see my Short Story or Weekly Serial page.

Tweet me @SisterQuill

Published by Jesse

I'm a writer and academic specialising in fantasy fiction and creative writing theory. I'm allergic to pretentiously talking about fiction and aim to be unashamedly ‘commercial’. Surely all fiction is commercial anyway, or what’s the point in publishing it?

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